06 Sep 6 Reason’s Why You Need To Know And Set Your Clear Boundaries
Are you always the last one in the office working through your overflowing inbox, filled with deadlines? Your friend always calls you during the wee hours of the morning to tell you her latest boyfriend drama? Why is it that people seem to take over your life? You’re assuming that everyone will know your boundaries, but do they really?
Boundaries are your friend. They are about honouring your needs, not about judging other people’s choices. We guide you through 6 critical steps to creating boundaries and how to implement them straight away.
1. No Boundaries = Low Self-esteem
There is no shame in admitting that this is you. Quite the contrary, it’s the first step to setting clear boundaries and ramping up your self-love. After all, what’s the point of saying we want to grow if we’re not going, to be honest with ourselves about where we’re now? The truth is that many people don’t know what their boundaries are, when in fact they should roll off your tongue like the alphabet. Your boundaries are your values. #truthbomb Boundaries are representative of how much or little you respect yourself. Boundaries are your friend.
2. Decide What Your Core Values Are
Who are you? What do you value? Figure out what, exactly, you’re comfortable with and what you aren’t. Make your boundaries about you and not about other people. For example, you don’t like your friends to call you during work hours, so you don’t accept personal calls until after 5 p.m. This boundary is not about avoiding others’ phone calls or distancing yourself from loved ones, it’s most likely for you to focus your time so that you can be fully present when talking to them. Setting your priorities right. Make yourself a priority. Once you get clear on what matters most to you, then you can take the more significant step of communicating this to others. Sounds like a plan to us.
3. You Can’t Change Others, So Change Yourself
It’s them – not me. Sounds familiar? We get into arguments with our partners hoping, wishing, demanding even that they stop being difficult. You want your co-worker — that one who is always so negative — to treat you with more respect. The list is endless – we all know it, the struggle is real. We can change others. We’re not responsible for what comes out of their mouth, the daily choices they make, or their reactions. The bottom line? Since you can’t change other people, change how you deal with them. As clinical psychologists, Henry Cloud, Ph.D., says in his book “they may be motivated to change if their old ways no longer work.” Again, make yourself and your values your number one priority.
4. Decide The Consequences Ahead Of Time
So what do we do if anyone pushes our boundaries? Trust us; it will happen a lot. Decide what the consequences are. For example, if a friend of mine calls me repeatedly during a time-frame I had shared, I would not to be able to talk, I simply do not answer the phone. Sounds harsh at first, but honestly, it’s the most efficient way to set and maintain your boundaries. The best way to figure out your boundaries and consequences when people cross them is by sitting down quietly with yourself and making this all about you. Write it down on a piece of paper or in your journal. Get clear on your boundaries and your consequences.
5. Let Your Behaviour Speak For You
Coming back to your potential boundary that during work hours, you don’t take personal calls. We can promise you that your friends and family will continue to test this boundary. How can you get your message across so everyone is on the same page as you, you might ask? Firstly we would recommend that you don’t present them with an ultimatum. (“If you call me again during the workday, I absolutely will not be speaking to you.”) That might add on to their reaction, and they might not understand, feel hurt or will call you even more. Present your boundaries clearly to people and instead of your words, let your behaviour do the talking. So, if anyone calls you continuously during the day, they know you won’t pick up the phone until after 5 p.m.
People will test, push, and disrespect your boundaries. You’ll know you’re building your self-love and boundaries when it doesn’t entice an emotional reaction out of you. You’ll see that it will all work out in your favour, give it some time to land with your friends. It takes some time for everyone to get adjusted.
6. Say What You Mean & Mean What You Say
The most significant part of boundaries is how clearly you communicate them. You can have the healthiest set of boundaries on the planet, but if you don’t communicate them clearly, you’re going to create some confusing situations, both for you and everyone else involved. No one needs that in their lives. One way to quickly get someone to question your character or authenticity? Say one thing and do another. Sometimes we’re afraid to confront others with the truth. We’re afraid to tell people what we really want. We have a hard time to admit that we have trouble spending time with a friend’s toxic partner.
We hate it when our manager springs deadlines on us at 6 p.m. on a Friday, but do we tell them not to? Everyone has been there. We’re concealing our true feelings because we’re scared of people’s reactions. Those familiar thoughts about will you be seen as lazy or less of a team player if you say no to more work, picking up your girlfriends kids after school or dropping off that item for your mum. The more you ground yourself with your boundaries and values, the more you’ll be able to be very clear in your communication.
In the words of Brené Brown, ” You either walk inside your storey and own it, or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.”
Now that you know all the steps you need to take to set your boundaries clearly, let the hard work begin and follow them through. Actions speak louder than words. Boundaries are so important to have successful relationships with everyone – from strangers to friends, your partner, family members and co-workers.
Unhealthy boundaries can lead to disappointment, loneliness, enmeshment and anger. Your mental health will also suffer from not setting and seeing through your boundaries. It won’t be smooth sailing at times, you’ll bump heads and push other peoples buttons, but once you have experienced the benefit of setting boundaries, you’ll not want it any other way.
And when life gets tough, and you feel overwhelmed with everyone and everything. Take a step back and take some time out for yourself to reset. Let Jordan Berger from Yogaholics, Power Living‘s online yoga studio, guide you through a meditation to de-stress. Let the stress wash away, recharge your soul and get you ready for what’s to come next.
Start living your best life yogis!